That Ashley Girl

Friday, June 03, 2005

The High Life

My life is so completely and wonderfully uneventful right now. I've been done with school for a couple weeks, and unlike last year I decided not to get a crappy job this summer. Instead, I literally have nothing to do each day.


I wake up without an alarm clock (which is a very underrated experience), snack on Cheerios or a bagel, and go running. I've been doing two miles per day, although I'm thinking about upping it to three.

After that, I head to the gym and hop on the elliptical machine for a good 30 minutes. When I'm done there, I do crunches until my stomach feels like it's going to explode, and then hop into the pool for a few laps to cool down.

By noon I am completely exhausted and have burned approximately three billion calories, so I take a nice, long shower and then treat myself to a nice, big lunch.

But wait, the excitement doesn't end there. I then head home and spend the next several hours sitting on the porch, sipping lemonade in the sun while answering e-mails and IMing with the gazillion people on my buddy list.

When the sun goes down I head back inside. If I'm going out to dinner or to a bar/club with my friends, I do all the necessary prep work. If not, I watch a little TV, have dinner with my parents and brother, or maybe even write up one of these silly blog entries.

It really is one hell of a life. If not for the fact that it involves having no real income -- and thus also involves living with my parents -- it would be pretty close to the perfect life.

Speaking of parents, my mom told me the other day that she thinks I'm "obsessed" with working out. I blame it on the fact that she came with me last week when the gym had one of those "bring a non-member for free today" promotions.

She didn't stray far from the treadmill, which has to be the most worthless piece of equipment in the gym. Why would anyone buy a gym membership so they could use a machine that simulates walking and running?

Why not just walk or run for free? And if you're going to spend money on a gym membership so you can walk or run, why not use the track there and actually do it? I just don't get it.

Anyway, I might very well be obsessed with working out, but there are probably worse things to be obsessed with. I mean, if you're eating healthy, what's the worst thing that could happen to you from working out too often?

I feel wonderful, I am in the best shape of my entire life, and -- if I can be completely honest here -- I look absolutely spectacular (as my mom found out during a very awkward moment in the locker room after our workout).

Pictured Above: Miss Universe, Natalie Glebova, who appears to be similarly obsessed with working out.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

You Found Me

People unsuspectingly arrive at this blog while looking for some very strange things on search engines.

Yesterday, for instance, there was a startling run of "Deep Throat" related Google searches that directed people here, despite the fact that I don't think I've ever given my detailed thoughts on Richard Nixon before. Go figure.

Anyway, here is just a small sampling of the search engine queries that have landed people here recently (along with pithy comments from me):

Girls Watch Boys Jerk Off

Only the lucky ones.

Jake Gyllenhaal and Toby Maguire

I'll take "Essential Ingredients in an Ashley Sandwich" for $400, Alex.

How to Look Good in a Bikini

Um ... exercise a lot?

Can She Deepthroat

Yes, she can.

Girls That Like Small Cocks

... don't know what they're missing.

Sex Position for Girl to Girl

Sounds like someone's doing a little naughty research.

His Cock is Too Big

I'll take "Things I Will Never Say" for $600, Alex.

My First Handjob

... was given to a boy named Jeremy and lasted approximately 30 seconds, including clean up.

World's Best Pick Up Lines

Is and always will be, "Hey baby, I wanna ride you like Lance Armstrong."

Big Cocks Young Kids


Tight Little Girls

Double ewwwww.

I Had Sex With Brother

I hope they are talking about "brother" in the racist sense, because the other possibility is even worse.

Cum on my Face

Yes, sir!

Girl Wanted Big Cock

Who could possibly blame her, really?

Do You Like Your Nipples Licked?

Does a bear shit in the woods? (Sorry, I heard someone say that last week and it cracked me up.)

Lohan's Tits

... seem to be going down faster than me at a frat party after five shots of tequila.

What Does a Girl Do During Sex

If you have to ask, you're really in trouble. Typically, I do my nails or a crossword puzzle.

Girls Walking Around Naked

One of the most underrated things about living on your own, and something you don't come to appreciate until you move back home, is being able to walk around completely naked.

Ashley the Hot Girl

You rang?

Why Do Girls Love Big Cocks

Why is the sky blue? That's just how it's supposed to be.

How Much Do Female Porn Stars Get Paid to Swallow Cum

Probably not enough, although some of us amateurs have been known to do it for absolutely free.

How Big is Too Big Penis

How much is too much ice cream? Exactly.

Naked Girls With Nice Abs

What the upcoming story of my life is tentatively being titled.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Bad Date

Sadly, my big date Friday night wasn't very good.

The boy was nice enough (and very cute), but he's just one of those boys who has very little ability to make random, space-filling conversation on a first date. That ability is essential, because in most cases people don't have much of significance to talk about on their first night out together.

Once you get past the "where did you grow up?" and "tell me what sort of stuff you're into?" phases, you're left basically making small-talk with a complete stranger. And he stunk at it, despite my best efforts to assist him.

I consider myself an excellent first date, because I am fun, I am chatty, I am flirty, and I make a genuine effort to keep the conversation flowing. But even I was no match for my date Friday night.

So we awkwardly ate dinner at a very nice restaurant and exchanged monosyllabic pleasantries every once in a while, with huge gaps of complete silence in between. The dessert (chocolate cake) was good, at least.

I figure he must have been completely repulsed by me (unlikely considering how unbelievably hot I looked), extraordinarily shy (equally unlikely considering how he acted the night we first met), or just not much for conversation.

I felt like how I imagine my parents feel when they go out to dinner with me. They spend all night prying and prodding, just trying to get some sort of information out of me, to get me to open up just a tiny bit, and instead are met with short, nearly unresponsive answers.

I have a good excuse for behaving like that, since they're my parents and all, but what excuse does a boy have on a first date? Especially a first date with a cute girl in a short skirt and, as my friend Nicole calls them, "third base pumps" (because the heel isn't quite big enough for them to be "fuck me pumps").

The worst part, of course, is that at the end of the night I heard the dreaded line: "So ... wanna do this again some time?"

Pictured Above: I bet Eva Longoria has much better dates with her cute little French basketball player of a boyfriend/fuck buddy.