That Ashley Girl

Friday, May 20, 2005

Sister Ashley

When I first started this blog, I wasn't sure that I wanted to have comments. Then someone else with a blog convinced me to enable them, and thank goodness they did.

Why? Because otherwise I would have missed out on gems like these two comments, posted consecutively yesterday, that pretty much are the epitome of what sort of feedback you receive as a blogger.

At 6:12 PM, Anonymous said ...

That was post was so lame. Ashley, why did you ask for questions and then not answer them? I used to like this blog, but it is now so lame that I may not come back.

At 8:17 PM, Owen said ...

I used to think those were stupid questions until I read through your answers. When I stop laughing and start breathing again maybe I'll try my hand at it. Syrup-filled cock...classic :)

Funny how that works. Also, exactly how bad does your vocabulary have to be in order to use "lame" to describe two different things in the same paragraph?

Yesterday was a pretty uneventful day, and sadly my streak of not seeing a penis continued. I have now gone an entire week without so much as a kiss, let alone anything involving nudity, sweating or panting.

With a week already under my belt, I'm starting to think that perhaps I should just roll with it and become a nun or something. I mean, I've gone this far already, why not just go the rest of the way?

And yes, I apparently start to get wacky when I haven't been fucked in a while.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

20 Questions

I asked for questions from you guys yesterday, and while you provided me with quite a few (thank you!), I have decided instead to tackle 20 of the "random questions" Blogger asks when you fill out your blogging profile.

They are just silly questions, but you can keep looking at new ones by clicking "give me a new question" when you're filling out the form. So I did that 20 times, and then answered them ...

You're going to the moon! What did you forget to pack?

Two words: Pocket Rocket.

You can whistle and steam can whistle, so why do you sing in the shower?

Because I sound so damn good. Seriously, I sing like an angel in the shower.

When you open your eyes underwater, do you ever worry that you'll drown?

No, but I worry that I'll be able to see all the dead people lying at the bottom of the pool.

When you hesitate before hitting snooze on your alarm clock, are you being lazy?

I am always being lazy.

You're wearing a sweater that stretches down to your feet. What color belt do you put on?

Black. When in doubt, always go with black.

You have to dig a hole to China. Where do you start?

At the mall, because clearly I'm going to need something new and fabulous to wear.

The squish of mud between your toes; how would you live your life as a frog?

I would kiss a whole bunch of princes.

You've just inherited a manufacturing plant that specializes in plastics. What are you going to make?

Money?

You've rented a sky-writer to propose to your significant other, but it's completely overcast. What will you do?

Dump him. That's definitely a sign.

Your hand has been replaced by a rubber stamp. What does it say?

"I wish I were a hand."

How do you pronounce the 'g' in bologna?

Very carefully.

In the dream where you show up to school naked, why do you never go swimming?

Because you can't show off your fabulous tan underwater.

For your birthday, your aunt gave you a maple syrup dispenser shaped like a rooster. Please write her a thank-you note:

Dear Aunty,

Thanks for the syrup-filled cock, I will fill my mouth with its contents often.

Love,
Ash

Which is more important to you and why: flexibility or expandability?

Flexibility. Hopefully the boy can provide the expandability on his own.

The love potion you made tastes terrible. How will you drink it?

"Love potion"? Is that what we're calling it these days? I'll tell him to aim it at my tits instead.

If you were a wrestler, what would be your finishing move?

A kick to the nuts. Simple, yet effective.

You're trapped in a well with a goat and a slinky. Describe how you will escape.

Goats can still fly, right?

You get to ride the big roller coaster three times in a row. What will keep your dad from taking a bite out of your candy apple?

The poison I coated it with, hopefully. Plus, he'll be scared of me kicking him in the nuts.

Radio wire is often used to make bird nests. What station do they listen to?

Christian talk.

The hair from your last haircut ... what would it say about your new style?

"At least it's better than Natalie Portman's."

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Home and Horny

No more recycled entries, at least not today. I am all moved back home, although the process was far more time consuming and nerve wracking than it needed to be. But hey, the good news is that I am ready for three straight months of spending every day with my parents and my brother!

The beauty of living on campus, where literally thousands of people your age live, work, party and hang out within a few miles of you, is that you should be able to have sex whenever you want. Sure, there are a few exceptions, but if you're even mildly attractive and have some sort of a personality (or really low standards), it's not all that difficult.

The problem, at least for me, comes when you leave that zone of twentysomething sexuality. First of all, between studying for finals, writing papers, packing boxes and cleaning your room there is little time or energy for good fucking at the end of a semester.

Believe it or not, I went the final three nights in my dorm room without any male nudity. It was a shame, but I didn't think much of it until I got home, started unpacking boxes with my mom, and realized I might very well go another few days without sex here.

Now, I've certainly gone a lot longer than six days in between getting laid in my life, but it's different when the dry spell comes after you're so used to getting it on a regular basis. So here I am, back to writing and surprisingly horny.

The other bad part about not having any sex lately is that I have very little to write about here. I mean, you guys clearly aren't coming here to read about what sort of grades I got this semester. You want to read about people getting naked and sweaty (and believe me, I want to write about it).

But when there's nothing to tell there's just nothing to tell. So, while I put on my best man-trapping attire and go hunting for cock today, feel free to leave some questions in the comments (or e-mail them to me). As in the past, I am willing to answer just about any question, so fire away.

If I get enough questions today I will try to answer them tonight and post the Q&A tomorrow morning. And if I don't get enough questions, I guess I'll have to resort to telling you all about my final project for my biology lab or something.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Blast From the Past: What are you working out for?

I originally wrote this back on May 24, 2004. If you're wondering why I am re-posting it now, read this. And if you have a blog, please link to me. I am in full on link-whore mode right now, trying to motivate myself to get back into writing.

I was talking to Katie, one of my best friends, and we decided exactly what our goal is from working out so much (I think I might be legally married to this one elliptical machine I'm on it so much).

A lot of girls I know say stuff like, "I want to look good in a bikini" or "I want to lose 15 pounds" or "I just want to feel good about myself."

All of that is fine, obviously. However, we came up with a more specific, truthful answer. Katie and I decided that our ultimate goal for working out is to look really incredible doing "reverse cowgirl." For those of you not up to speed on things, reverse cowgirl is a sexual position that basically has the girl on top of the boy, with her back to him.

Here's what Wikipedia ("The Free Encyclopedia") has to say about it:

In the reverse cowgirl sex position,

- the man lies on his back
- the woman sits on top of him facing away from him, with his legs between her legs, and with her groin aligned over his to facilitate penetration.

It is one of a number of female superior sexual positions.

Features of the reverse cowgirl position:

- penetration is quite deep
- the woman can control the depth and intensity of penetration, and enjoy the dominant feeling of being in control
- some men enjoy the submissive feeling of being on the bottom

Disadvantages of the reverse cowgirl position:

- neither partner can see the other well
- caressing is difficult
- some women find supporting their weight on their arms hard

Since the penis is bent downwards in this position, care needs to be taken in this position, to avoid damage to the penis, particularly if it slips out during intercourse.

I don't know why, but it always cracks me up to read something like that explained in an encyclopedia.

For those of who still don't get it, here's a picture:


Anyway, Katie and I have decided, through personal experience, watching porn and talking to boys, that this is the single most important thing in life. Anyone can look good in a bikini. Anyone can drop 15 pounds. Anyone with enough Prozac can feel good about themselves.

But how many girls do you know who can look completely amazing while doing reverse cowgirl on top of some boy? Not many, I bet. Katie and I want to be two of the few, two of the proud.

But why is it so difficult to look good doing reverse cowgirl? Here's another quote from Wikipedia that explains it pretty well:

The reverse cowgirl is a popular position depicted in pornography aimed at men, as it provides the photographer with a full front view of the woman whilst hiding the man from view behind her body.

In other words, whatever you've got (or whatever you don't have) is out there. Tits are bouncing, stomach is flexing, arms are holding, legs and thighs are doing all sorts of bending. And, needless to say, your "cookie" (or whatever you want to call it, so long as it's not the other, dreaded "c-word") is on full display.

It can either be a mess or, as is my hope, it can be an impressive sight. My mother always told me that I had to have goals.