That Ashley Girl

Friday, September 17, 2004

The Yes Or No Sex Quiz

It was nice here yesterday, so I wore a skirt. Nothing too short or revealing or anything, just a regular, old skirt. Amazingly, four different boys asked me if I was wearing panties or not, including one via instant messenger who couldn't even see me.

The morale of the story is that boys are really horny.

Anyway, the boy who asked about my panties via IM also asked me a whole bunch of other questions while I was sitting in my boring computer lab for 150 minutes. I decided rather than write up anything of quality for today, I'd just reprint his yes or no questions and my yes or no answers.

He kept saying, "You can't use my name, okay?" so I won't. I also encourage any other female bloggers (or male too, I guess ... just switch around some of the wording) to take this same quiz and post it on your blog. I'll link to it!

Do you mind sex questions?

No.

Have you had sex with two guys in the same 24-hour period?

No.

Have you had sex in a public place?

Yes.

Do you like having your hair pulled during sex?

Yes.

Do you like being spanked during sex?

Yes.

Do you swallow?

Yes.

What's your favorite position, reverse cowgirl?

Yes.

Do you go crazy and bounce up and down?

Yes.

Do you like it from behind?

Yes.

Are your breasts sensitive?

Yes.

Does getting your nipples kissed turn you on?

Yes.

Have you licked your own nipple?

Yes.

Have you had a cock between your breasts?

Yes.

Do you think you would like two guys doing you at the same time?

Yes.

Have you kissed girls?

Yes.

With tongue?

Yes.

Was it in front of guys?

Yes.

Have you done more than kiss a girl?

No.

Have you played with a guy's ass?

No.

Have you sucked balls?

Yes.

Has a guy asked you to do something and you've said no?

No.

Have you ever cheated?

No.

Do you own a vibrator?

No.

When a guy is going down on you, will you grab his head and move it to the right spot if need be?

Yes.

Your first blow job, did he ask?

Yes.

Was it the same guy you lost your virginity to?

No.

Did he return the favor?

No.

Have you ever had cyber sex?

Yes.

Have you ever masturbated in front of someone?

Yes.

Have you given a blow job to a guy while he is driving?

Yes.

Have you been caught masturbating?

No.

Have you been walked in on having sex?

Yes.

Have you ever been to a strip club?

Yes.

Have you had anal?

Yes.

Have you had your ass licked?

Yes.

Did you like it?

Yes.

Is this quiz over?

Yes.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Campus Quotables

Overheard in one of my classes yesterday:

BOY #1: God damn. I bet her fucking pussy smells like fucking roses.

BOY #2: I'd hit that shit real hard.

And this was while a lecture was being given. Ain't college great?

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Boys In My Room

My plan was to sleep in yesterday, since I didn't have class until the early afternoon. The plan was working just fine, with me snug beneath my covers, oblivious to the outside world, until I thought I heard what sounded like people talking.

At first I thought maybe it was just people talking outside in the hallway or someone with their TV on way too loud, but then the noise didn't go away and it actually started to get louder.

So I roll over, pull the covers off, try to rub the sleep out of my eyes, and discover two boys standing about three feet from my bed, just chatting with each other.

Now, normally I am not alarmed by waking up and finding some strange boys in my room, but in this case it was a Monday morning (so no hookup occurred the previous night) and my entire plan for the day revolved around not seeing anyone until at least 10:30.

I sat up in bed, looked at the chatting boys for a moment, and then turned to my alarm clock: 8:14.

I probably should have said something, like perhaps "who the fuck are you and why are you in my room?!" but I couldn't even wake up enough to make that happen, so instead I just stared.

After they finished covering whatever topic they were on at the moment, one of them noticed me and said, "Oh, we didn't know someone was in here."

Now, keep in mind, we are all in my private, single bedroom room, it is 8:14 in the morning, the lights are off, and the door is (or at least was) locked. But they "didn't know someone was in here."

After a few moments of me groggily (is that a word?) questioning them, I discovered that they were maintenance workers and that, according to them, I got a note in my mailbox a few days ago saying they would be by yesterday to install a new light above my sink.

Asked why they came in without knocking, one of them replied, "We knocked on a few of the other doors on this floor and no one answered."

Yes, because certainly none of them had big plans to sleep in that could be ruined.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

My New Fans

Okay, so apparently "Pinsetting and Gutterballs" is actually a baseball message board. The boys from there (I assume it's all boys) have been instant messaging and e-mailing me non-stop for the past two days, and they filled up the comments section of my last two entries.

A couple of the boys tried to give me a password, so I could join their "private forum," but I couldn't get it to work. Plus, I think I might be better off not knowing what is being said about me. What I don't know can't hurt me, right?

For instance, here's a comment one of them left for me here:

Don't worry Ashley, 95% of the stuff being said in there concerns your boobs or what objects you may or may not have inserted inside yourself.

How charming.

There were a whole bunch of other comments too, most of them similarly charming. Among things that were said:

Dearest Ashley,

Our wonderful message board, Pinsetting and Gutterballs, is dedicated to the lively and intelligent discussion of tipped over busses, and of course, sexy llamas.

...

We're a cabal of candlepin bowling and Garbage Pail Kids enthusiasts. To give you the password to our sordid world would only hasten your fall from grace, my dear. We might consider it, however, if you answer the following question correctly:

Who would win a fight between a bear and a shark? Bonus Question: Would you date someone named Sean Berry?

...

Hi. My name is Albert Nipper. My partner (business only) Danny Patrtridge and I are interested in potentially making you a very rich young woman. For years, we have studied and analyzed the adult photographic and video genre, presenting our research weekly in P&G.

...

Oh, and how do you feel about Pokey?

...

Hm, I think what's more important is her feelings on Horny. Pokey's good and all, but Horny's better.

Tipped over buses... good or bad?

...

Was your senior taken in water?
Do you have a love/hate relationship with Wal-mart?

I have no idea what the majority of that stuff means, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know.

After a while, the boys got tired of me and moved on to my Canadian friend Paige, who not only has an interesting blog, but one with pictures. The latter part of that being crucial to our new fans. Hell, Paige even posted an ultra-sexy picture for them to drool over.

The comments over at her blog got even more "interesting" and involved, among other things, requests for anal-sex reports, questions about spitting or swallowing and how she grooms her cooch, a marriage proposal, and a confession from one boy that her picture inspired him to masturbate "furiously."

One of them even used the "I wanna ride you like Lance Armstrong" pickup line that I invented! I'm worried that sweet, innocent, Canadian Paige can't handle such crude advances. Not that I'm complaining, of course. Better her than me.

Before leaving me for Paige, one of the fine, upstanding young gentlemen from Pinsetting and Gutterballs provided me with a list of 15 questions to answer. You all know how much I love random questions, so here we go ...

1) If a shark and a bear were going to battle in a pool of water deep enough for the shark to swim in and shallow enough for the bear to stand, who would win?

As I think we all know, there are no winners when violence is involved. That said, a bear ... no contest.

2) How do you feel about tackle-twill?

Ambivalent?

3) Which sandwich is the most overrated? Underrated?

Turkey is good, but overrated. Meatball is underrated.

4) Are you in need of an arch-nemesis?

Sure, why not.

5) Ass or mouth?

Um ... mouth?

6) How about a mega-tarp?

How about it? (I honestly have no clue what a mega-tarp is or even could be.)

7) What are your thoughts on Maura Tierney?

I like her. She's not quite as underrated as a meatball sandwich, but it's close.

8) Have you ever had sex with a female manager of a Steakhouse?

As hard as this probably is to believe ... no.

9) Are you an expert on home sales or have you ever built a log cabin?

No and no.

10) If you were a major league baseball player, what would be your batter's box entrance song?

I tried to think of a clever answer for this, but I came up blank. Maybe something by AC/DC? Seems like they get played a lot at sporting events.

11) Lindsey Lohan: real or fake?

Fake, and anyone who doesn't think so is either blind or delusional. Or both, I guess.

12) Expound upon your thoughts on Ass vs. Soap.

Expand upon them?! The only thoughts on the issue that I have is that it is very important to soap your ass if you want another person to touch/lick/kiss it.

13) You've got one free murder. Who do you kill? Do you use it right away, or save it?

I would save it and let everyone know I had it available to use, because then no one would ever fuck with me.

14) Buses that tip over: great, or just OK?

Depends on if people are inside or not.

15) Jack Cust: man or superman?

I have no clue who Jack Cust is, but I'll say he's simply a man.

Monday, September 13, 2004

My Weekend

I guess the NFL season started yesterday, so the boys on campus were all excited, with their testosterone oozing out onto their pretend football jerseys all weekend. Actually, apparently the season started on Thursday (?!), but that was like premature ejaculation and the real fun didn't start until yesterday.

Anyway, in honor of the season starting, I participated in a "touch football" game with a whole bunch of frat boys and girls who wanted to be touched by boys. I was actually recruited to play on the team (they needed four girls to play on each side), which must mean the boys thought I was athletic or that they'd like to grope me while I wore shorts and a football jersey.

Either way is a compliment as far as I can tell. To my credit, I didn't make a complete fool of myself, catching two passes and even scoring a touchdown (followed by perhaps the greatest post-touchdown dance in football history).

To steal a line from my new favorite internet buddy, Matty Rod: "Rock out with my cock out!" Seriously, that's my new favorite saying. You should see how many e-mails I've typed that in over the last few days.

I also tried to play quarterback, but really sucked. I can throw pretty well, but just not very far. I think like 20 feet is my maximum. One idiot told me, "You throw like a girl."

I've been thinking about that since he said it and I still can't decide in what way it's an insult. I also look like a girl, smell like a girl, act like a girl, and fuck boys like a girl. I'm so insulted!

While I wasn't playing football with sweaty boys, I was stalking my little boy toy down the hall. We had a "hall meeting" before everyone went out and got shitfaced on Friday night and I approached him again.

ASH: Hey, remember me?

BOY: Yeah, you're Ashley right?

ASH: Yup. I never did get your name.

BOY: Oh ... I'm Brian.

I was glad to see that he remembered meeting me from move-in day (I told you I looked good!) and, even more than that, that he was acting slightly less shy and slightly more heterosexual than he was that day. So, I decided to put on the full-court press.

ASH: So, what are you doing tonight?

BOY: Nothing, probably.

ASH: Nothing on your first weekend here?!

BOY: Yeah, well I don't know too many people really.

ASH: You know me!

BOY: [Smiling] Yeah.

ASH: I haven't seen you around much ... you should try to get out of your room more.

BOY: [Looking embarrassed and not saying anything]

ASH: Just saying ... then you'd meet someone besides me.

BOY: [Smiling again] I'll have to try that.

At this point, my "He wants to fuck me" sensor was going off like crazy, so I did what any girl would do ... I tried to get him drunk.

ASH: So ... wanna hang out with me and my friends and hit some bars tonight?

BOY: [Looking confused] Oh ... I mean ... well ...

About two seconds after I said that I realized he couldn't really come party with me. He was probably not going to be allowed in to any of the places I was going, since he was 18 or so and looked maybe 16. Shockingly, I hadn't exactly planned this whole encounter very well.

ASH: I forgot ... you're a freshman, right?

BOY: [Looking sad] Yeah.

ASH: So you probably can't go drinking.

BOY: Well, I don't have a fake ID or anything.

This is when I realized he was just a shy boy, not socially inept or gay (yay!). I mean, if I mention drinking and you immediately mention fake IDs, you're okay with me.

Sadly, he couldn't come get drunk with me Friday night and I was hanging out with A.J. Saturday night, which sort of put a crimp in my seduction plans for the weekend. Instead, I sat next to him on a couch for the hall meeting and then led him around the floor and introduced him to everyone I knew once it was over.

When I was a freshman, this older boy took me around, room-to-room, and introduced me to everyone, and I thought he was so nice and so sweet. Little did I know that he was so nice and sweet that I'd be giving him head a couple weeks later, which was probably his plan the entire time. Lord knows that's my plan. Us sexual predators spot 'em young, you know?

After I introduced my boy toy to my friend Laura, who later went out drinking with me and had more shots taken off her body than any person in the history of drinking, she commented, "He's cute ... what's his story?"

I told her, quite simply, "Hands off, he's mine."

Being the slut that she is, she completely understood: "Good luck ... let me know when he gets tired of you."

The goal for this week? To advance past introducing him to the lovely people he'll be living with for the next year and start introducing him to the seductive powers of the girl down the hall.

I'll have him naked and sweaty within the week.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

My Ears Are Burning!

I was just looking at my "site meter" referrer logs, which lists the other websites that are linking to this blog, and I saw that a whole bunch of people have been coming from a message board called "Pinsetting and Gutterballs" over the weekend.

But then when I tried to go there to read what people were saying about me, it said it was a "private forum."

So now I'm sad, because there's nothing worse than knowing people are talking about you behind your back and not being able to do anything about it! Plus, my curiosity is killing me, especially with a name like "Pinsetting and Gutterballs." (It can't possibly be a bowling forum, can it?)

If one of you fine people from "Pinsetting and Gutterballs" would kindly give me a password or share the transcript of the discussion with me, I'd be forever grateful.

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