That Ashley Girl

Friday, August 20, 2004

A Gimungous, Hugantic Entry

Some of you have started to complain about the lack of new entries on weekends. While that is very flattering and I appreciate it, the only thing I can say is ... tough shit.

As much as I like you guys and as much fun as this is, writing a new blog entry is about 719th on my list of stuff to do between waking up on Friday and going to bed on Sunday.

Anyway, while I'm not going to be writing anything on the weekend anytime soon, I might try to make the Friday entries extra lengthy, just so you have more to read if you choose to stop by here during the weekend.

So, with that in mind, let's see how big this thing can get (which, incidentally, is something I may start saying to boys when they take their pants off in front of me for the first time) ...

First, let's get to some of the stuff you guys have left in the comments section lately, because that's my favorite part of this blog and I really wish more of you would comment every day.

Responding to what I wrote about male and female strippers, Nico said:

I'd have to choose male strippers over women as well. They seem to have so much fun doing what they do and the women are just so bloody boring. My friends and I went to one female strip club once. 5 girls in a row - 5!!!!! - did the exact same dance. The following week I went to the male strip club with a couple of my girls and each guy had a COMPLETELY different act. It was MUCH better than the girls. Tho it's nice to go see the girls every now and then.

Another thing I've noticed about male strippers is that they are allowed to do a lot more with the customers than female strippers are. Or at least the female strippers I've seen.

For instance, as far as I know, customers in female strip clubs aren't allowed to rub (finger, lick, whatever) a stripper's pussy. Meanwhile, customers in male strip clubs often touch the stripper's cock and I've even seen them go farther than that.

All of which probably goes back to what I said originally, which is that it seems like male strippers like their job and female strippers don't. In other words, male strippers are happy to have girls rubbing them all night long, whereas female strippers would probably prefer if the boys in the club didn't touch them at all.

Someone definitely needs to study this issue, because I think it shows a lot of the differences between the sexuality of men and women in general.

Responding to my lust for Michael Phelps, terrashmerra said:

one of my x-bf's and now current casual sex partner is a swimmer. it's hot and he's got great moves and this incredible stamina. so ashley, go find yourself a swimming man as fast as possible !

We have a big "aquatics center" at school and, once school starts up again in a few weeks, my plan is to go there and scout the talent. I may even run some sort of mini-Olympics of my own to determine the best boy for the job.

Some of the areas I'm thinking of testing in are tongue speed, cock size, ability to "reload" after an orgasm, durability, and all-around sexual flexibility.

I think I may call it "The First Annual Ashley Games." The winner, of course, gets a nice roll in the hay with me.

By the way, for the boys out there, you should all know that your stamina is very underrated as a skill. I've been with some boys who can't sustain a constant level of good, hard fucking for very long and it really is a letdown.

I'm not saying I need a boy who is a fucking machine or anything (although I'm not against the concept), but being able to go at a good, hard, fast pace for a few minutes straight is very important.

Responding to my entry from last week about me not liking my name all that much, Matt said:

They were talking on the radio this morning about names that if you hear them you assume the person is hot. Ashley was one of the few that they mentioned, and I agreed with them.

Embrace your name.

As I said before, when I think of Ashley, I think of a little girl. However, boys have been known to think little girls (not actual little girls, but, say, 20-year-olds who look like 16-year-olds) are very hot, so I guess that makes some sense.

It could be worse, I suppose. I mean, "Ashley" is an infinitely sexier name than "Marge" or "Gertie" or something, right?

Okay, enough with the comments. Now let's move along to some good stuff I saw on other blogs ...

Remember Nico, who made the comment above about strippers? Well, she has a blog of her own and she had an entry in response to my crush on Michael Phelps.

Basically, she agrees with me that Michael Phelps is beyond hot and is totally fuckable. Plus, she found an even sexier picture of Phelps than the one I posted.

Here it is (try not to drool) ...

Unless my eyes are playing tricks on me, I do believe Michael is packing some serious meat. He almost has to be, because I can't imagine god creating a body that great and attaching something little to it.

Meanwhile, Teyden over at The Truth Blog said some interesting things about boys not being sexy:

Sometimes I think this blog needs to relax. Sometimes I want to just ill it like That Ashley Girl. I could spend all day talking about sex and people I want to sex and people who I have sexed and how damn sexy I am. But really I'm not sexy. I'm a dude and dude's aren't sexy.

I mean, we can be handsome and maybe even attractive but not sexy. Sexy doesn't have a hairy ass. I am a guy and us guys have hairy asses. What could possibly be more disgusting than a hairy ass? I am so glad it's on the back side of my body because I would definitely have a serious break down if I had to look at it everyday.

And I'm sorry to all those girls out there who have to look at all us guys. Cause you all are so damn sexy. With your long hair and your shaved legs and shaved whatever else you have shaved (and if you haven't shaved or waxed anything else I really think you need to take a long look at yourself and come up with a good reason why you haven't).

What makes the world go round is the fact that men and women find different things sexy. I mean, if I found long hair, shaved legs and bald crotches sexy, I'd be a lesbian, right?

And while there are obviously a lot of girls out there who do find those things sexy, the majority of us are more into the stuff Teyden doesn't think is sexy. You know what though? It's okay that Teyden doesn't think a hairy ass is sexy, because otherwise he'd be into boys. See how that works?

Boys like soft, hairless bodies, so they try to fuck girls.
Girls like hard, hairy bodies, so we try to fuck boys.

Without those differences, we'd all die, because no one would be making babies. God might have fucked a lot of stuff up, but I think he got this part right on the money.

Okay, now let's finish up with a little celebrity gossip ...

A lot of people have been making fun of Tara Reid for getting breast implants recently. Well, okay, I guess I should back up for those of you who haven't seen anything about this. Basically, Tara Reid got really big boobs.

Here are some "Before" and "After" shots to compare ...



Personally, I would never get boob implants. On the other hand, I think I have really great boobs, so that has never been an issue for me. If I had really small boobs or really bad boobs, perhaps I'd feel differently about the whole thing.

That said, I do think it's kind of funny when a celebrity who has had her picture taken a million times and has even appeared naked in movies suddenly has boobs that are like three sizes bigger than they were last month.

If I were going to get a boob job, I don't think I'd go from A-cups to D-cups overnight. First of all, Tara Reid is a little, thin girl, does she really need gigantic, watermelon-sized tits?

Second of all, even if they looked good on Tara (which they don't, in my opinion), it's going to be hard for anyone to look at them and simply think they look sexy, as opposed to thinking, "Wow, Tara Reid got gigantic boob implants."

So, while I'm not putting Tara Reid down like so many other people are, I do think there's a certain aspect of what she did that is humorous. Still, I can absolutely understand why girls get boob jobs, because I really enjoy having nice tits and I can't imagine not having them.

In fact, one of my best friends is an extremely gorgeous girl with an amazing body, and she has tiny boobs. I know it is something that bothers her and it is always an issue for her. Sometimes she doesn't buy an outfit because she doesn't think it looks good without boobs, she is very self-conscious with her body, etc. I can honestly say I think she would be much happier if her boobs were just a little bit bigger.

Basically, I say congratulations to Tara Reid on the new boobs and good luck to any girls out there who are considering boob jobs. I really hope it makes you feel better about the way you look and I really hope it makes your life a little better too.

Just maybe think about going with something that matches the rest of your body at least a little bit. To me, at least, Tara Reid looked a lot sexier in the "Before" pictures than she does in the "After" pictures.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Ask Ash (Volume 2)

You guys never let me down. Yesterday I said that, in addition to lusting after Michael Phelps, I was having trouble coming up with topics to talk about here, so you guys put plenty of stuff in the comments section and in my e-mailbox for me to respond to. Thanks!

In particular, I want to thank "D Rant Master," who provided me with the series of questions that I'm going to answer today ...

Who would you vote for?

I almost skipped this question, just because I think it leads to nothing but trouble and will probably piss off at least half the people reading this. However, I want to be honest and forthcoming, as usual.

I would vote for John Kerry, not so much because I believe him to be a great presidential candidate, as much as I believe George Bush needs to be relieved of his duties as soon as possible.

I think Bush has royally screwed up much of the war-related stuff, I don't like that he brings religion into many of his decisions on such crucial issues as women's rights, stem-cell research and gay marriage, and I don't like the way his appointees are "cracking down" on "indecency."

Plus, I think he comes off as an untrustworthy buffoon whenever he speaks in anything close to an off-the-cuff manner, which is not a particularly good trait for someone in charge of running and representing the entire country.

Is John Kerry the answer? Will John Kerry be better than Bush? Honestly, I don't know. I just think it's time to find out.

What don't you like about school when attending?

I love living on campus, living away from home, being independent, being with my friends, and being in an environment with thousands of other independent people my own age.

I even like dumb stuff like having to buy my own groceries, make my own dinner, and clean my own dishes. Plus, it's so much easier to have great sex when you're not living with your parents.

What I don't like is basically anything having to do with class. I don't like waking up early, I don't like studying, I don't like sitting through boring lectures, I don't like being tested, and I don't like writing papers.

I guess what I really like about going to school is sort of the summer camp aspect of it, which just means everyone is away from home and free to do whatever they want, whenever they want to do it. For me, going to class and studying just gets in the way of the fun stuff.

Why is the sky blue?

I dunno. I guess if it was red or orange or green or something, it might get sort of annoying to look at? I think light blue is a nice, soothing color that people can live with (or under).

Why is "wet" such a good descriptive word?

I think wet is such a great word because, used correctly, you can involve all five of the senses -- seeing, hearing, smelling, touching and tasting. Not too many words can do that.

Plus, boys like any word that can be used to describe a pussy, which is an added bonus to wet's value as a word.

Where is the best place you can think of to go on vacation?

I was going to give you a specific answer here, but as long as it's hot, sunny and there's plenty of alcohol, it doesn't matter much where it is.

Some people are into seeing things on vacation, whereas I am more interested in doing things. Going to a famous location or visiting a famous monument or something doesn't do much for me, but lying around the beach in beautiful weather or going swimming in an amazing body of water or partying at a fabulous club makes the entire vacation.

Strippers: better male or female?

Male strippers are fun to play with, both literally and figuratively. I've gone to male strip clubs with my friends before and it is fun to see everyone (myself included) go so wild. Inevitably, I come home thinking about why exactly it is so exciting for girls, though.

I mean, if a good looking girl wanted to, she could see a boy naked whenever she wanted, right? And if she asked nicely, she could get him to strip for her, grind into her, etc., right?

So then why do we get so out of control when we go a strip club to see boys do that? I'm guilty of it as much as the next girl, but I'll still never understand it.

As for female strippers, a lot of times I find myself feeling sort of sorry for them, which ruins the whole experience for me. With a male stripper, you get the feeling they're having fun, getting naked in front of women and doing all sorts of good stuff with them. With girls, I can't imagine anyone who would have fun doing the same thing in front of a bunch of strangers on a nightly basis.

What/where do you want to be when you grow up?

I want to be rich and happy, although maybe not in that order. I haven't quite decided. Actually, I'd take "comfortable and happy" over "rich and sort-of-happy."

How is it you come off as being so hot all the time?

Aw, shucks. I feel sexiest when I'm being open and honest and outgoing and free, so I'm glad that is also what some of you find "hot" too.

Where do girls like you get made and how do I order one for myself?

I was created by a mad scientist in a workshop in Iceland. I believe they destroyed the mold immediately after I was done.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Writer's Block and Michael's Cock

Okay, so I've run out of things to talk about, yet again. Actually, it's not so much writer's block as much as me just not having as much time to kill at work (or at home) lately. Sorry.

I could tell you about my day or talk about my friends or my family or something, but I don't want this to become my diary. I like to write about more general topics, rather than get into the specifics of my life in every single entry, you know?

Anyway, if you've got a question for me or a suggestion for a topic to cover, please e-mail me about it or leave it in the comment section.

On a completely unrelated note, all boys should be forced to become swimmers.

It's really a win-win situation. For the girls, we get to look at your bodies and get all hot and bothered. For the boys, if you looked like Michael Phelps you'd have girls like me all over you.

Seriously. I watched him win a couple medals and, more importantly, watched him walk around without a shirt on, and I think I might actually pay to fuck him at this point.

I'd like to put a few of his medals around my neck and then hop on top of him for a little ride. Maybe even some reverse cowgirl action.

Mmmm ... the medals bouncing around, the palms of my hands on his hairless chest, my bald pussy sliding up and down on his bald cock (in my fantasy, he has a gigantic cock with absolutely no hair anywhere to be found).

If you'll excuse me, I have to go masturbate.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

"I could talk to you all night"

And to think, you guys said I was difficult to IM with!

Late last night, I signed onto AOL Instant Messenger and was greeted with an IM that asked, "Is this Smashley?"

It was from none other than Steve, otherwise known as "Steve the Mildly Unwell Bastard" from the "Hi, My Name Is Steve, and I Am a Sex Addict" blog.

We chatted on and off for a couple hours about such subjects as being anonymous and slutty, Matthew Broderick and Amanda Bynes, Hilary Duff, the Olsen Twins, George Michael, how Steve has a thing for young girls with bug eyes and big foreheads, masturbation, proposing marriage to someone, cyber sex, curved penises, losing your virginity, having sex at summer camp, and ice cream.

It was a real meeting of the (dirty) minds.

It was fun talking to a fellow blogger, especially one who is as slutty, perverted and sexually open as I am, and I'm sure I wowed Steve with my charming wit and intelligent banter too.

Some word-counts from the chat:

"Shit" (or some variation) was said 20 times.
"Fuck" (or some variation) was said 18 times.
"Hot" (or some variation) was said nine times.
"Love" (or some variation) was said seven times.
"Dick" and "Penis" were each said three times.
"Cock" and "Tits" were each said said twice.
"Orgasm" was said once.
"Pussy" was, miraculously, not uttered a single time.

I'm not sure how that happened, but I'd like to make up for it now: Pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Pussy.

Oh, and pussy.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Like An Angel

If you ever really want to make a complete and total ass out of yourself, I have but one word for you: Karaoke.

I went to a friend's birthday party over the weekend and somehow, through a series of alcoholic drinks and peer pressure, found myself up on stage, singing.

Let me tell you, I have many, many talents, but singing is not one of them. I did a total of three songs over the course of the evening, and they got progressively worse as I got progressively drunker.

For my first and most coherent number I did "Meet Virginia" by Train, which I heard on the radio on the way to the party and remembered liking a lot.

She doesn't own a dress, her hair is always a mess
If you catch her stealin', she won't confess
She's beautiful

For my second number, I did "Ironic" by Alanis Morrisette, because everyone told me I had to do a song by a girl, even though I wanted to do something by Elton John or James Taylor or The Beatles.

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought ... it figures

And for my third number, I am told I did "Hard to Handle" by the Black Crowes. Now, I say I am told I did it because I don't actually really remember much of the performance. I will say that three different people who were there have said that it was "maybe the funniest thing ever."

Hey little thing let me light your candle
'Cause mama I'm sure hard to handle now

Which of course means I was a drunken, word-slurring, giggling, stumbling buffoon. But hey, I'm glad I could be entertaining, at least.

Actually, I have to admit that I really enjoyed singing. I realized long ago that I have absolutely zero musical ability, but like most people I know, I love music and I love to sing along to songs on the radio. And really, those are the two main qualifications for being able to sing Karaoke. Well, that and being drunk.

I wanted to do some John Mayer or Johnny Lang or Ben Harper or even some Sarah McLachlan, but those weren't options. A lesser person would have refused to go on stage until songs they liked became available, but I sucked it up and made a total fool of myself because that's the sort of person I am.

The top performance of the night came from the birthday boy himself, a hefty, athletic, goateed frat-boy type named Sean who belted out AC/DC's "You shook me all night long" like he'd been practicing for months.

And, by far, the worst performance that wasn't by me came from a girl who tried to do "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Now, don't get me wrong, that's a great song. Just not when sung by a drunk 20-year-old girl.

After I finished belting out "Hard to Handle" in my very best Chris Robinson voice, A.J. came up behind me, wrapped his hands around my waist, and whispered, "You sing like an angel."

I turned around, gave him a little kiss, and said, "You are so getting laid tonight."

To which he replied, "I better, after listening to that."