That Ashley Girl

Friday, July 23, 2004

Thank You

Yesterday I asked -- no, begged -- for more comments and e-mails from you, my devoted, loyal, sexy readers. It gives me great pleasure to report that you guys didn't disappoint.

Yesterday's entry got 16 comments and several of you even left comments on old entries. Plus, I got a whole bunch of e-mails too, which is great.

So, to show you how much I appreciate and value the reader participation aspect of this blog, let's go through some of the comments and e-mails I got ...

I introduced a new pickup line in this space yesterday ("Hey baby ... I wanna ride you like Lance Armstrong.") and said, "Here's my promise to you, my loyal readers: If that line is used on me in person sometime in the next month, I promise to sleep with whoever said it, no questions asked."

To which Anonymous said:

That's kind of slutty.

And to which I said, "Kind of?"

It always fascinates me when boys (and sometimes girls) think that calling someone or their actions slutty or something similar is offensive. I just said that I would sleep with a complete stranger, no questions asked, if they said a particular line to me. I think by saying that, we're working under the general assumption that I'm slutty.

If someone tells you they'll give a million dollars to the next person who says "hello" to them on the street, would you try to insult them by saying, "Boy, you're kind of generous"?

Then, of course, DAK did the obvious and said:

Hey baby, I wanna ride you like Lance Armstrong.

Sadly, as I said, the line has to be used on me IN PERSON. Or, as I told DAK, you have to be close enough for me to slap.

You see, my grand plan with the Lance Armstrong line was that all the boys reading this blog would use it on every girl they see, hoping that they'd stumble across me for the no-questions-asked sex.

The line would get used so much that it would turn into an actual line that people really used. Then, sometime in the future, I'd be hanging out somewhere, and someone would use it on me. It's like some sort of porno version of Pay It Forward, but without Haley Joel Osment.

Terrashmerra suggested a favorite pickup line of hers:

My new favourite "line" is from the Big & Rich song of the same title, "Save a horse, ride a cowboy." Cowboys, that's hot.

First of all, don't you love it when Canadians give themselves away with the extra "u" in words like "favorite"? For some reason that makes me smile.

Secondly, I agree ... Cowboys, that's hot.

MasterMark said:

Oh man, Ashley. Now that you've finally pushed me over the edge, and prodded me out of lurking, and into commenting, where to start?

If you're half as cute as you claim to be, then you are among the upper 1% of the world's female population, in terms of attractiveness. The reason I can assert that with such confidence is that we can see a very important part of your overall package right here on your blog -- even without the pic of you that we're all dying to see -- your brain, and its output.

What you have sloshing around in your skull is just plain, fucking *hot*. You are *brilliant*. So if you are even slightly more physically attractive than Roseanne Barr, that makes you a nuclear meltdown in a bikini.

Anyway, here's the thing -- I'm a bit older than you, and I can tell, reading your posts, that you are at a particular stage in your sexual development. You're at that enthusiastic, sweaty, uncomplicated point, where things are still a little clumsy, but sweet. At the same time, you show a clear awareness of, and openness to, all sorts of things that make it plain that, given a bit of time, you could...

Well, let's just say that it's tremendously frustrating to think that I'll never have the opportunity to show you how things can be at the next level...

Keep posting, Ashley. Listening to you work it out is great fun.

Wow, lots to cover here ...

First of all, I am almost exactly "half as cute as I claim to be." Actually, it varies, depending on how my hair looks. Some days it's only around 47% as cute, but other days it can rise to 55%.

As for the picture ... it's not happening. The reason I'm able to write about the stuff I write about on here is that no one knows who I am. If I posted a picture, I'm sure it would end up ruining my anonymity in some way. Sorry.

Incidentally, "a nuclear meltdown in a bikini" is a great line. In fact, I wish I'd have thought of that myself. If I ever go out on a blind date and the guy wants to know beforehand what I look like, I think I'll tell him, "I've been described as a nuclear meltdown in a bikini."

Also, while I may only be 50% as cute as I claim to be, I can assure you that I am a minimum of 217% as cute as Roseanne.

I also really like Mark's description of where I am at sexually: "I can tell, reading your posts, that you are at a particular stage in your sexual development. You're at that enthusiastic, sweaty, uncomplicated point, where things are still a little clumsy, but sweet."

I think that about sums it up. I'm still a bit clumsy, I suppose, but I've always been told that practice makes perfect, so that's why I'm giving out sex for Lance Armstrong lines.

Also, I think if I could only choose one line to describe myself sexually, perhaps I would choose "enthusiastic," although I guess maybe that implies you like sex but aren't that good at it? I consider myself terrific sexually, so maybe I'd go with a made up word, like "enthusiastically incredible" or something.

Matt said:

Keep up the good work. Now that madpony is retired, you are the clear leader in the college-aged female blog ratings.

I appreciate the compliment, because I am/was a fan of the Madpony blog myself, but I've got a long way to go before I can even come close to what Lauren and Kristin had going over there.

They had about a billion readers, along with the added benefit of being two girls, instead of just little old me. Plus, they didn't write about dirty, filthy, slutty sexual stuff, so they had tons and tons of pictures, which helps a lot when you're as adorable as those two are.

I'll have to build my one-girl empire without the use of photography, which is going to be difficult.

In response to my entry from earlier this week regarding Kirsten Dunst, Bitchen said:

I think Kirsten Dunst is beautiful all over. I like her face.

Even if she didn't have a great face, the abs make up for it.

I agree about Dunst being very beautiful. I also agree that she has a great body (and everyone knows how much importance I place in how my abs look) ...

However, as I explained earlier, there seems to be some disagreement in the male community when it comes to her.

An e-mailer named John wrote:

Kirsten Dunst has some nasty teeth. We had to sit up close to the screen for Spidey2 and during Kirsten's closeups, some of those front teeth were about as big as salad plates. Some looked like they were pentagon-shaped ... ugh. You think she'd have that cleared up by now. Bad teeth = definite turnoff. How do your choppers stack up Ash? Blog fans need to know.

I am in total agreement that bad teeth are a turn-off. A smile is so important when you're dating someone, and bad teeth just totally ruin that. As for my choppers, they are perfect, although not without a ton of help from a team of orthodontists and a couple sets of braces. It sucked while I had the braces on (although I didn't suck, since boys were scared of all the metal), but now I've got picture-perfect teeth!

Anonymous said:

Sometimes Kirsten looks amazing ... other times, barely attractive. I guess you could say that about a lot of people though.

As any Seinfeld fan knows, the scientific term for this is that she's a "two-face."

And in looking through a bunch of her pictures to pick some to put on this blog, I think I agree with that. For instance, in this picture she looks incredible (and I'm talking about her face, not the fact that half her boob is sticking out and she has major tan lines) ...

But then in this picture, she doesn't look so great ...

Some mysteries are just unsolvable, I guess.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

More Comments Please!

Over 100 people visited this blog yesterday and (presumably) read my entry about brothers, sisters and Kirsten Dunst. And yet exactly one of you lovely people left a comment.

That makes me sad. I know some people aren't into reader participation and I know some people are just plain shy, but what's the excuse from the rest of you?

You don't have a comment on siblings? Or a comment on whether or not Kirsten Dunst has a great body and a so-so face? Or what about the Toby Maguire/Jake Gyllenhaal debate? Surely some of you ladies out there have a few thoughts on that to share with the class.

And guess what? Even if you have nothing to add to whatever the topic of the day is, you're more than welcome to just comment on whatever random thing seems interesting to you at the moment.

Got a suggestion for something I should write about? Comment! Got a question about me that you want answered? Comment! Got a question about life, in general? Comment! Got a complaint about something in your life? Comment!

If you've been stopping by here for any amount of time you know that nothing is off limits to me. Comment!

I'm new to this blogging thing and I can already see how tough it is thinking of something new and interesting to talk about each day, so I'm counting on the comments and the e-mails from you guys to keep me going.

On a completely different subject ...

I thought of a really cheesy new pickup line that I hope to hear used on me in the very near future.

"Hey baby ... I wanna ride you like Lance Armstrong."


Here's my promise to you, my loyal readers: If that line is used on me in person sometime in the next month, I promise to sleep with whoever said it, no questions asked. And you think I'm kidding ...

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Some Girls Do Like Their Brothers

I know I've been talking a lot about my brother lately (and trust me, I don't want to be), but I saw this story on Yahoo! News yesterday and thought it was interesting ...

LOS ANGELES - Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal, the young stars of two of Hollywood's biggest summer movies, have ended their romance.

The 22-year-old Dunst and 23-year-old Gyllenhaal began dating about two years ago after being introduced by his sister, Maggie Gyllenhaal, who appeared with Dunst in "Mona Lisa Smile."

I can't think of one person of the female gender that I know who I would introduce to my brother. Seriously. If I knew Kirsten Dunst, I would keep her as far away from my brother as humanly possible.

And yet somehow, the Gyllenhaals are so different from my family and like each other so much that Maggie is introducing Jake to her famous actress friends. This type of story doesn't even make sense to me. It's like my brain can't process the information or something.

By the way, I'm not a huge Jake Gyllenhaal fan. I think he's fairly attractive, in a dorky sort of way, but I much prefer the other young, fairly attractive, actor dork, Toby Maguire.

Incidentally, how identical do Gyllenhaal and Maguire look standing next to Dunst in those pictures? From the sport coat and no tie to the unkempt hair and attempt at a beard ... they're like twins. I guess I wouldn't mind making a dork-sandwich.

Anyway, I've also found that boys are very split on what they think about Kirsten Dunst. I know some boys who are obsessed with her and think she is one of the most beautiful women in the world, whereas others think her face isn't all that great.

She looks pretty good to me, although I said that about another girl once and a boy said to me, "Do you want to bend her over a chair and fuck her?"

I thought about that for a moment and said, "Well ... not really." To which he said, "Then who cares what you think about how she looks."

He had a good point. I mean, I don't really care what boys think of Brad Pitt. The New York Times could print a study that showed 100% of men between the ages of 18 and 108 think Brad Pitt is the worst looking human being ever and I'd still let him do whatever he wanted to me, wherever he wanted to do it, and I'd thank him when he was finished.

I did a two-man study of my own yesterday, asking A.J. and his friend Paul what they thought of Ms. Dunst.

The gist of A.J.'s thoughts were that, "She has an awesome body ... huge tits, nice ass, flat stomach. Her face isn't great, but she's definitely cute."

To which Paul responded, "She probably has one of the best bodies of any actress, and I think her tits might actually be real. I saw her in that Crazy/Beautiful movie and they were hanging out of her shirt the whole time."

So there you have it ... Kirsten Dunst is good looking and Maggie Gyllenhaal is a better sister than I am.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

AWOL Again (Sorry)

I'm sorry about not posting anything new since last Thursday. I don't really have a good excuse, other than me just being really busy and equally lazy. I still forget sometimes that I even have a blog!

Anyway, I'll try to think of something interesting to talk about for tomorrow, but in the meantime let's check out some of the recent comments left by you, the loyal readers of this blog.

In response to my entry from Thursday about "My Not So Little Brother" ...

Reverend Luke Hackney said:

I'm in love with your blog.

I have to say, this is a first for me. That is, a boy falling in love not with me and my marvelous personality, exquisite face and totally fuckable body, but with my blog. I'm sorry to tell all the boys out there that my blog, while totally single and looking, is actually a lesbian.

AoB said:

Um, he probably turned into a horny boy about five or six YEARS ago.

I told one of my friends about the whole thing with my brother having a girl over while my parents were away and how much it shocked me, and she pretty much said the same thing, which is that my brother has probably been just a regular, horny boy for a while now.

I guess it just took a long time for me to come to that realization. A month ago I would have bet anything that he had never even touched a girl, a week ago I would have bet anything that he was a virgin and now ... well, I'm not so sure about anything really.

I will say that I'd be shocked beyond belief if some serious bodily fluids weren't exchanged between him and his little girlfriend up in his room last week.

By the way, just to be a pain in the ass, I am doing two things lately. One, whenever my parents are around, I ask him stuff like, "Got a girlfriend yet?" or "You have your eye on any girls?"

And then, when we're not in front of my parents, I constantly ask him when he's inviting Kelly over for dinner.

I also told him that he better at least tell me when he's planning on having his booty calls at the house, because if I walk in on them fucking on the couch or something, I think I'll throw up (or worse).

In response to my entry from Wednesday about "A Bad Party" ...

J-Mo said:

I think guys bring their girls to functions they know you will hate as almost a test. It gets you around their friends to see how you interact, and it lets them know if you can just sit tight for his benefit even if it's bothering you.

Kinda like when you bring us shopping. As much as some men may hate it, they are willing to put up with it cause we know you enjoy it. And if you're happy then we're probably gettin some.

First of all, a little advice to all the boys out there who may someday be my ex-boyfriends, I don't like to be tested, especially in the summer.

I'm willing to submit to a "how many times in a night can she cum if I lick her clit the whole time" test and I might even be up for a "how many inches can she deepthroat" test if I'm in a good mood, but a "can she stay at a boring party for four hours and not bug me" test doesn't sound like much fun.

That said, I guess I passed his test, since I basically "sat tight" and didn't "bother" him like some of the other girls did to the idiots who brought them.

Oh, and just so everyone knows, I have rarely brought a boy shopping. And, at least if a girl brings a boy shopping, the boy gets to watch them try on different outfits, which I've been told can be a rather enjoyable experience for a boy, especially at Victoria's Secret.